THE S.T.C.S.
We have all been told since our days as youngsters to not make first impressions because they can often be misleading. However, when it comes to the medical proffession I stand by my first impressions. I went to the hospital last friday for a physical so that I can get the go ahead to start my new job at Pratt & Whitney. Now I am never thrilled for a physical, but I don't have a great fear of them. Once you have had your first physical as a junior high kid trying to play basketball, it's no big deal. I went in like a champ ready to prove that I am a lean mean healthy machine. The physical started with the nurse bringing me in and asking me various questions, checking my temp, and checking my blood pressure. We then proceded to the eye test and weight check. At this point she handed me my pleasent little cut to deposit my juice from breakfast that morning to make sure I havn't been smokin down on the train tracks or anything. Well being the "think ahead" person I am, I deposited everything I had in my bladder earlier that morning and hadn't drank anything since. Needless to say I was not ready to give them my juice, so she told me I could just drink a lot of water while I waited for the doctor to come give me the rest of my exam. Ok so I was slightly embarassed about not being able to pee in a cup, but such is life. I changed out of my clothes into my hospital gown. So I was now sitting in a back opened hospital gown in my boxers and socks waiting for the doctor to come in while constantly refilling my tiny little dixie cup with water. The door finally swung opened and in entered the PA (physicians assistant) who is going to give me my exam. My first impression (all being an impression of sight) was that this guy looked like the steriotypical science guy; tall, skinny, big thick glasses, and slightly clummsy. He then proceded to open up his mouth making odd jokes that didn't arouse the slightest desire to laugh from me. Now that I felt awkward for having to keep laughing at the most random jokes I have ever heard, we proceded with the exam. As I predicted I was kicking this things butt. I am in perfect shape! Well the end of the exam finally came which can only mean one thing...hernia check. The hernia check is really not that big of a deal, its fast. So we go through the hernia check, and good for me...no problems. I was now ready to get this thing done, get dressed, pee in my cup, and blow that joint. Well as I was about to pull my shorts back up he asked me if anyone had ever shown me how to give myeself what I like to call the S.T.C.S. which stands for self testicular cancer screen. I quickly said no and went to pull up my shorts. However, just as I started to reach for my shorts he grabbed ahold of what we will call my left little marble below. He proceded to rub it around between his fingers telling me that I should do this every now and again when in the shower, and that I would be looking for a small pea sized tumor. Quickly giving him my "hmm" "oh I see" "yeah cool" answers to get this done with he goes and grabbs my little right side marble. Ok at this point I had enough of this exam and wanted to leave. I was now standing there for much longer than I wanted to with my shorts down and this nerdy guy rolling my little marbles around in his fingers talking as slowly as anyone had ever spoken. I was tapping my foot looking straight up at the light saying a prayer to the Lord to make him stop this uncomfortable awkward situation. Well he finally released, and feeling like a bear just released from a bear trap, I pulled my boxers up quicker than Andy Roddick serves up an ace. Finally my exam was over and I was able to get dressed, and there was major success on the next pee attempt. I will definately say that I will never take the normal "turn and cough" physical for granted again.
posted by Eric @ 10:31 PM
4 Comments:
Yeah..in this respect, it's definately great to be a girl!
Dude, you've been man-raped.
Funny, I don't remember that type of invasive procedure when I had my physical for Pratt...
Marbles, Eric?...
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